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Friday, September 30, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Suck... Kingsley Amis and his youngest son, who I hear also writes, used to bond over the uses and abuses of the English language. One of their favorite solecisms -- and by favorite I mean discussed somewhere in print and for the benefit of a take-it-or-leave-it, mildly literate posterity -- was the popular deployment of the word "jejune." I suspect this was because the Francophone adjective attained a new ironic coinage after Woody Allen spat it out satirically in Manhattan to describe the late seventies New York art scene*. But "jejune" originally meant "undernourished." Look it up in any saleable dictionary today and you'll find that this is now the tertiary definition; the vernacular (and imprecise) one, meaning "dull," presently takes top billing. I'm always reminded of the Amis dialogues on language whenever a linguist tells me that this strictly human capacity is ever-changing. That's certainly true in the scientific sense, and anyone with an elementary power of observation already knows it, but comes the question: What happens when language changes for the worse? Isn't there also a qualitative coefficient which measures what sounds pleasant to the ear, or what deserves codification because it pays tribute to a noble literary and rhetorical tradition? Better yet, is there to be no complaint when a once robust lexical item is starved, by too much idiomatic exercise, to the point of -- erm -- "jejunosity?" Take the word "suck," for example. By a nice coincidence, the same linguist with whom I used to burnish my curmudgeonly inner Safire once stepped out of her descriptivist mode to point out to me -- probably because we were dating -- that it was rather stupid of men to say things like, "You suck." What kind of insult is that? Presumably the target of it, if deserving of such a pronouncement, would be engaged in very decent activity indeed, at least judging by what most men would like to have done to themselves. She knew (my then linguist girlfriend did) that there was some aspect of sexual abasement involved in the slight, but this did nothing to militate against the fact that we normally show affection to those who apply just the right amount of oral pressure -- assuming of course "pressure" takes the primary definition and foregoes any potentially nagging forms of grammar-bound communication. Where's the sting, in other words, in "suck?" Here are more professional tongue surveyors who won't make me sleep on the couch for defending the King's English (and Martin's English, too): "The word sucks was an innocent word that developed a powerful and vulgar sexual connotation related to the taboo subject of fellatio," e-mails David Fertig, director of language programs at the University of Buffalo. "That connotation is now weakening for a couple of reasons. "One is that young people today use other explicit terms for sexual acts, and many relate only vaguely to the sexual implications of the word 'sucks' that so offends their elders. As that vulgar connotation becomes weaker and weaker in people's minds, it is considered more acceptable for common usage..." "This is very common," e-mails Robert Leonard, professor of linguistics at Hofstra University. " 'Enthusiasm' used to mean, at the time of the Declaration of Independence, 'spirit possession.' Meanings change. 'Rock 'n' roll' and 'jazz' both started as terms for sexual intercourse and were slangy ways to refer to the musical forms. Now they just refer to the musical forms for the vast majority." * I'm not 100% sure about this, although I'm more confident the film was Manhattan and not Annie Hall. In the former, Diane Keaton's character is a Radcliffe graduate, which is as good as any provocation for Woody to have epater-ed this kind of argot. E-mail me if I'm wrong. --Michael Weiss [link] Judy Miller: Hero, or Moron?... Let's look at the headlines. Times Reporter Testifies in Leak Case After 85 Days in Jail - New York Times NYT Reporter Agrees to Testify in CIA Leak Case - Los Angeles Times CIA agent case reporter in court - BBC No More Miller Time - Washington Post So there you go. The big tossup for today's headline writers was whether to accent (a) the heroism of a fellow journalist staying in jail for so long, or (b) the stink wafting from the CIA's top brass and other top officials. The choice came down to which the news outlet dislikes most: the New York Times, or the Bush administration. (Except for Howie Kurtz, who's probably had that line on a napkin for weeks.) By the way, the Philidelphia Inquirer beat the Times to its own story. Their headline? "NY Times reporter testifies before grand jury." From the way that reads, Maureen Dowd could be in for grand theft auto. Nyah Nyah. So far, the only paper I've found to put a notice at the top of the page of how very stupid Miller is has been the St. Petersburg Times, although there are surely others. They subtitle their article, "Judith Miller will reveal her source in the CIA leak case. The source says he told her to months ago." The source, Scooter Libby, didn't even realize she thought she was protecting him. Libby and his lawyer, however, both say that they gave their voluntary waiver to Miller's lawyers more than year ago. In fact, Libby wrote to Miller in mid September, saying he believed her lawyers understood that his waiver was voluntary. Miller contends she was not sure the waiver had been freely given and did not accept it until she had heard from him directly, the New York Times reported. If I were a grand jury -- or a paying Times subscriber -- I'm not sure I would trust a single word spoken or written by this batty Thoreauvian nuthatch. First Miller runs with bad data on concealed weapons of mass destruction, then stays in jail for three months waiting for one more reassurance that her waiver is really, truly, cross my heart legal? I can't think of any reason she would have stayed in jail so long with a waiver in hand, unless she was milking Sulzburger for work without pay, a trick she probably picked up from Pauly Shore. --Nic Duquette [link] Thursday, September 29, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Katrina, Crack and AIDS... Leaving aside the subjective reasons for the government's bumbled rescue of a predominantly black American city a month ago (as if incompetence weren't an equally opportunity offender), there's an objective problem that most discussions of the "racial aspect" of Hurricane Katrina have scanted on thus far: What's this going to do to the urban conspiracy theory? A few flickering sparks have yet to catch into an all-out flame, and yet... At least one rap star that I know of has already thundered and grumbled on live network television about Bush's preference for the monochrome, much to the amusing "No, baby!" discomfiture of fellow on-screen talent Mike Myers. Jesse Jackson has flexed his usual 'mainstream' innuendo muscles. And Louis Farrakhan... well, I can only imagine what kind of frenzied rate of chauvinist rotation that bowtie of his has reached in the last few weeks. David Remnick traveled to New Orleans, dug up 40 year-old history, and heard a lot of disquieting chatter about root causes of the lousy disaster relief coming from the African-American man-on-the-street -- or man-in-the-drink, as the case tragically was, especially in the French Quarter and Ninth Ward. The link between conspiracy theories and oppression is as old as racial conflict. Some early American slaves were convinced that their new owners were cannibals bringing them to the New World to eat their flesh. In Washington in the nineteen-eighties, there was often talk in poorer black communities about The Plan. This was a belief that the ăwhite power structureä had a secret scheme to inexorably move the black population out of the District. Similarly, in shelters in Louisiana and Texas you heard the suspicion that the ăhigher powersä of New Orleans wanted to employ a policy of citywide gentrification through natural disaster, that a mass exile of poor African-Americans was ăthe silver-lining scenario.ä For most, it hardly seemed to matter that some wealthier neighborhoods in New Orleans, particularly Lakeview, did not escape damage. At the Houston Astrodome, for instance, people made statements and asked questions that mixed the logical with the conspiratorial. ăWhere were the buses?ä ăWhy is it, do you think, that the French Quarter and the Garden District are high and dry and the Ninth is flooded and gonna get bulldozed?ä ăIn Betsy I know the mayor blew up the levee to save those big homes on the lakefront. A lot of people believe that, especially the people who were on their roofs!ä ăI couldnât leave. I was terrified. I didnât have any money, no car, nothing. Where was I supposed to go? They shoulda had some buses. Itâs me and my five kids. I live in Desire, the Ninth Ward. I think it was a setup to get black folks out of New Orleans forever. Look around. Whoâs here? Nobody but the black and the poor. They ainât got but ten white families in the whole Astrodome.ä Alarming stuff, to be sure. But it should also be noted that just a few paragraphs before this, Remnick demonstrated the hopeful antithesis to such feverish assumption. Once again -- and consistent with the history of civil rights in this country -- the reprieve of the broad-minded rode in on a bus: Walter Hays and the others knew they had to get out of town, but there was still no transport. A police officer told them they should break into cars and see if they could steal one. Hays and his best friend, a grocery-store manager named Chester Pye, went to a nearby bus barn. ăA guy there showed me how to hot-wire a school bus. We got our hands all slashed up from pulling wires, and it seemed like all the batteries were dead. Finally, Chester finds a good battery, and we went looking for keys.ä They found one that fit bus No. 9322 and picked up the rest of the extended family and headed out of town. Along the way, near the Fisher housing project, in Algiers, someone shot at the bus and demanded to be let on, but there was no room. They kept going west on Route 90, getting as far as Houma, Louisiana. On the road to New Iberia, a police officer pulled them over. ăI was scared,ä Hays went on. ăAfter all, weâd boosted the bus. The cop, a white guy, looked inside and saw it wasnât hot-wired. There was a key. And what did he do? He gave us a police escort and called another police escort as we left Raceland and we got the escort all the way to New Iberia. And in New Iberia an officer said to me, and I will remember this forever, he said, ÎI want you to understand something. You think this is the end of life as you know it for you. But this is a new beginning. You have a lot of people pulling for you.âä --Michael Weiss [link] All Right: Uncle... Changed my mind. Stop the War! Bring 'Em Home -- Now! No Blood For Oil! What'd Saddam Ever Do To You, Anyway? Tim Robbins, Loved You in High Fidelity! Peace with Honor! From this week's Savage Love:
Before I went to Iraq, my wife used to love it when I would eat her pussy. Since my return, she has stopped letting me do it, saying that it now feels uncomfortable -- even gross. This is often the only way to get her to come. Why would she stop wanting to be satisfied? And no, she's not getting it somewhere else; we've already been through that. I'm going nuts because I want it to be mutual and wild like it was before. Help! Give it time, WET. While your time in Iraq was no doubt stressful for you, I can't believe it was a cakewalk for your wife either. While you were gone, you were less her husband (and her considerate, giving lover) and more this abstract source of nearly constant worry and stress. It may take a few months before whatever subconscious anger or resentment she feels÷toward you for going, toward W for prosecuting this war ineptly÷melts away. Let her know that you're looking forward to your sex life returning to normal, WET, and then give her the time she needs to decompress. --Michael Weiss [link] Remember: He Likes Stare Decisis and White Zinfandel... And black makes him look fat. John Roberts confirmed as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. 78 to 22 was the vote. Both senators from New York went nay. --Michael Weiss [link] The Worst Comment About Tom DeLay So Far... It comes from someone who's got tenure: "Tom DeLay was like Tito in Yugoslavia," said James A. Thurber, a professor of government at American University. "He ruled with fear and also resources to reward people. Now without DeLay, the House will be balkanized." Until, of course, the Milosevic that is David Dreier establishes a Greater Bushia on the Hill. Between finding sources like these and the handling of the recent Jeff Goldberg kerfuffle, WaPo needs its own 'Select' cap on its website -- to stopper stupidity. --Michael Weiss [link] Enough of This Nonsense. Where's Toph, Asshole?... What the hell is wrong with Dave Eggers these days? I can't figure out whether the scraggly, petless, Franciscan author of last moment (a) thinks anything he touches is genius, (b) is peddling artistic wares like Duchamp's toilet which may or may not be a pratical joke on the consumer, or (c) is a genius, maybe, but doesn't know how to write ad copy for his own work in a way that doesn't make it sound like a waste of time. First, there's Eggers' participation in an eBay auction to benefit the First Amendment project. (Via Gawker.) The winner will be featured in a strange illustrated story Im working on called The Journey of the Fishes Overland. The winner, or someone of her/his choosing, will be encountered by the traveling fish in question, as they travel over land. It could also be a family, a house, an address, whatever. I get to decide why the fishes see this person/place, and whats said by/to or done by/to the person/place. This story will be finished and published in the fall. That name/s have to be tasteful and undisruptive to the narrative. I reserve the right to refuse using a name I find offensive. Keep in mind, this is a benefit for free speech. What if I find Eggers offensive? Traveling fish, jumping sharks... eh. As if this censored fish comicbook weren't terrible-sounding enough, the latest McSweeney's magazine is apparently going to be a bag full of junk mail: Issue 17 is not an ordinary issue of McSweeney's. It is, however, an ordinary-looking bundle of mail, stacked and rubber-banded, containing the usual items: a recent issue of Yeti Researcher; a large envelope, called Envelope, containing fine oversized reproductions of new art; a sausage-basket catalog; a flyer for slashed prices on garments that are worn by more than one person at a time; a new magazine of experimental fiction called Unfamiliar; a couple letters... the usual. This might be the strangest and most pleasure-giving issue yet. Not if I throw it out when it comes through the mail slot, it's not. Thank goodness for John Warner -- no, not that John Warner, this John Warner -- who took over the McSweeney's web site two years ago and made it the one fiefdom in the Eggers empire that can be consumed with pleasure and not ibuprofen. Yesterday's must-read entry was "Jim Jarmusch's Notes for a Ghostbusters Sequel." Bill Murray moves into haunted apartment. Sits in chair, impassive. What is he thinking? Possibly about dead friends. He almost gets up. He doesn't. His face is blank, unreadable. Sounds offscreen. Flying plates? Bleeding walls? Ghosts? Perhaps. We never find out. Slow fade to black. --Nic Duquette [link] Wednesday, September 28, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" The Goldberg Variations... I nearly opted for my own fling with alliteration and titled this post, "Sentenced by Semi-Literacy," because Jack Shafer's column in today's Slate is just too good to miss. The skinny: New Yorker scribe Jeffrey Goldberg tells a reporter at the Washingtonian magazine that he was once passed over for a job at the Washington Post due to that position's having been slated for a Hispanic. Here's the offending passage in the reporter's article, which caused a minor scandal within the bien-pensant blogosphere yesterday: Jeff Goldberg's career at the Post was doomed by diversity. He came as a Post intern in 1986 and covered the police beat. "It was the center of the journalistic universe," he says. "I rode around covering murders. I had old-fashioned editors yelling, 'How old is that dead body?' " Goldberg was up for a full-time job, he says, when an editor took him aside and said, "We would like to hire you, but we have to hire a Hispanic for that slot." He went on to report from the Middle East, but when he returned, editor Milton Coleman said the Post had no jobs. Metro editor Jo-Ann Armao told him to send some clips. He got his clips working for the New York Times Magazine for several years before joining Remnick at the New Yorker in 2000. The timestamp on the dead body line might have come right out of Scoop ("machine guns answering the rattle of his typewriter as he wrote, a dead child, like a broken doll, spreadeagled in the deserted roadway below his window -- you know"), and I bridle to think what the hell Evelyn Waugh would have made of that second observation about a felicitously shuffled ethnography of hacks. But what is transmitted here by the first source is pretty tepid stuff, even by today's standards. One can even surmise how such a near-miss employment scenario went down, if it indeed did: "Look, Jeff, we'd love for you to come join the WaPo team, but -- well, between ourselves..." Human beings, especially messengers of bad news, don't make apologetic palaver like class action civil attorneys. If Goldberg was told this, who can blame the teller? One certainly can't blame Goldberg. And yet... After an initial round of histrionics from the Romenesko crowd (Goldberg was blamed), the Post felt obligated to involve itself in 16 year-old anecdotal history. See if you don't wish it hadn't. By yesterday, the row had spilled over into a Post internal message board. There, executive editor Leonard Downie Jr. and managing editor Philip Bennett responded to a posting by a staffer who had ripped Goldberg for feeling "his career at the Post was 'doomed by diversity' or so it said in the article" and wanted to hear from management on the topic. Goldberg felt no such thing, as can be established by reading the above extract. But no matter. Pounce on a glib catchphrase conjured up by a deadline-harried writer, and that's all you need for a corporate Katrina in a watercooler. Here's Downie, Jr. verbatim: We do not designate slots for minorities, although we seek diversity in candidates for all of our openings. In Goldberg's case, I was part of the decision-making. We decided that we did not want to hire him, period. We had enough openings on the Metro staff (as we often do because of its size) that his candidacy was not affected by the hiring of anyone else, minority or otherwise. Whether or not this is true it does nothing to discredit Goldberg's claim that Post city editor Mary Jo Meisner told him the ostensibly real reason he wasn't hired. Nor is Meisner's own pipe-in on the subject -- "I do not remember this" -- any kind of vindication the other way. If it isn't true, if the Post does actively hire on the basis of race (or gender, or whatever besides talent), then should the paper be afraid to hide this fact? And should advocates of affirmative action leap into the fray in a high pique of defensiveness? Goldberg's own case seems to be a perfect object lesson in how this policy doesn't, in the long run, handicap whites with the goods. And why do I think that much of the antipathy has more to do with envy over Goldberg's current masthead than with revisiting his inability to make the D.C. daily an old one? One of life's distinct pleasures is what I like to call a "Garp moment." This is when the comeuppance is so sweet, the former offender hands you the weapon of choice himself. (If you've read the Irving novel, you know exactly which set-piece I mean). A real-life counterpart would be that noble killjoy C. Everett Koop relating how he was once rejected by Columbia Medical School. After he became surgeon general, the school invited him to deliver a lecture on the state of American healthcare. He gladly RSVPed, and I'm inclined to think it was just for the sake of his opener: "I didn't get in here when I applied. Too bad. Imagine where I'd be today if I had..." --Michael Weiss [link] Google Book Searching... A teensy, sunken-chested irony of this Times editorial about allowing Google to do what Amazon has already been doing -- create a free Alexandrian library of digitally searchable texts -- is that it's the only searchable expository essay available, for free, on the Times website. How's that for having one's cake and being able to pop out of it, too? Bill Keller: he's a regular David Foster Wallace of the fair and balanced meta carnival. But Tim O'Reilly is right: I'm with Google on this one. It would certainly be considered fair use, if, for example, I circulated a catalog of my favorite books, including a handful of quotations from each book that helps people to decide whether to buy a copy. In my mind, providing such snippets algorithmically on demand, as Google does, doesn't change that dynamic. Google allows click-through to the entire book only if the book is in the public domain or if publishers have opted in to the program. If it's unclear who owns the rights to a book, only the snippets are displayed. He goes on to hint that this mechanism will also be like a hot rapier through the hearts of aspiring plagiarists. "Where have I seen that footnote about Lincoln's fondness for nipple-clamps before, Ms. Kearns-Goodwin? Hang on just a second..." Now if Google is really savvy, it'll encode an option that allows any string to be run through the entire database, not just one book. In other words (or in the same ones, so to speak), you won't need to rely on T.S. Eliot's annotations for "The Waste Land." You can make your own, and find out whence he politely pilfered his best (and worst) stuff. Joyce and Nabokov still elide such easy detection, however. They tinkered to the point of genius occlusion with what they stole, as I'm still finding in my long, delightful slog through Lolita again. --Michael Weiss [link] Service DeLay... I love the smell of indictments in the afternoon. (Mornings are for waggishly sloganed coffee mugs and civil subpoenas, silly). What is it about Republican majority leaders and the refresh option? I passively endorse segregation, you skim from the top of illicit and badly laundered campaign funds. Tom DeLay's in official trouble now. And a Texas grand jury says so. The indictment accused DeLay of a conspiracy to "knowingly make a political contribution" in violation of Texas law outlawing corporate contributions. It alleged that DeLay's Texans for a Republican Majority political action committee accepted $155,000 from companies, including Sears Roebuck, and placed the money in an account. The PAC then wrote a $190,000 check to an arm of the Republican National Committee and provided the committee a document with the names of Texas State House candidates and the amounts they were supposed to receive in donations. The indictment included a copy of the check. Don't these naughty PAC contributors know by now that if you're going to buy a wind-up politico of your very own, you don't pay by check. You use the Corporate Malfeasance American Express card -- the one with the Roman centurion twirling his curlicue villain mustache. Well, whatever the case, I'm sure the indictment has nothing to do with prosecutorial retribution by a partisan Democrat . "This indictment is nothing more than prosecutorial retribution by a partisan Democrat," Madden said, citing prosecutor Ronnie Earle, a Democrat. Sorry, I meant it is not the latest example of how Republicans in Congress are plagued by a culture of corruption at the expense of the American people. "The criminal indictment of Majority Leader Tom Delay is the latest example that Republicans in Congress are plagued by a culture of corruption at the expense of the American people," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-California. Fine. It's all about the Etch-a-Sketch iron filings haircut on Tom. There. --Michael Weiss [link] Tuesday, September 27, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Please, Sir... Imagine being poor David Denby. A vague cloud of disappointment hovering over you wherever you go. A gnawing inner demon of schlubiness consistently fucking up what should be the sweet life, and which no self-derogating memoir about losses financial and sexual can ever fully exorcise. And Lane. There is always Lane. It might not have been so bad being the number two film reviewer at the New Yorker if number one weren't the imported golden boy with the honey-dipped tongue, heir apparent to Pauline Kael, and someone for whom a thin runny stew like Star Wars can be turned into a critical Feast of All Saints. And yet when it's real literature that's been transmitted onto celluloid, and it's Anthony's week to write... why, that's when Denby reaches for his shrink on speed-dial. On Oliver Twist and Dickens' less-than-philo-Semitism: What you cannot do is equip Ben Kingsley with the false nose and the red wig and pretend that nothing is amiss. If you are going to elide any reference to Faginâs Jewishness, as Polanski does, then why go to the bother of burdening him with the garments, stoop, and accent of the cartoon Jew? Why not reinvent him as a less encumbered villain÷update the story, switch the setting, turn the workhouse into a Malaysian sweatshop, say, where Oliver stitches Western sneakers for half a bowl of soup? Kingsley, who threatened more with one scene of ăSexy Beastä than he does in the whole of ăOliver Twist,ä drifts slightly to the margins, as does Oliver himself, who arrives at happiness, with plastered-down hair, like an exhausted ghost. If the film does tighten its grip toward the end, that is because of Jamie Foremanâs shark-eyed Sikes, and, above all, because of Leanne Rowe, whose Nancy, against all odds, pulls us to the heart of Dickensâs darkness. As you watch Rowe and Foreman together, you suddenly realize why Dostoyevsky admired the novel so much. This Nancy is bustling and bosomy, as she should be, but her tigerish will to do one good deed in a naughty world is desperate and majestic. Without Nancy and her demon lover, Polanskiâs ăOliver Twistä feels handsome, steady, and respectful; it has that touch of mummification which wins awards. But Dickens had murder in mind÷women killed for their kindness, children for lack of food÷and he wanted us to howl and hyperventilate. He asked for more. --Michael Weiss [link] Slate Goes to Fallujah... In one of those weeklong diary features they sometimes do. As with most stories coming out of Iraq, this one reads like chirascuro of head-cradling American incompetence and mounting Iraqi confidence. The good news? The incompetence tends to be past, the confidence tends to be present. Boy, the way Paul Bremer played: A year was frittered away in training the Iraqi army because the administration violated unity of wartime command. The administration created a Coalition Provisional Authority that set policy and allocated money for the Iraqi security forces, while the U.S. military remained responsible for security on the ground until the Iraqis could take care of it themselves. That separation between authority and responsibility was corrected about a year ago. Currently, when an Iraqi battalion is finished with basic training and assigned to an area, it is linked to an American battalion for mentoring and to ensure it will not disintegrate when first experiencing combat. Now everybody pulls his weight: Those present for duty in Fallujah perform the same tasks as the Marines÷perimeter defense, checkpoint searches of vehicles and people, cordon and search of areas, residential patrols, and night raids aimed at specific individuals. In the estimation of the Marines, Juwad's troops are learning by on-the-job training. Their patrol techniques and aggressiveness are improving. But they have not been in a heavy or sustained firefight. Sooner or later, the Marines will leave and the city will see who has learned more÷the insurgents or the soldiers in the new Iraqi army. --Michael Weiss [link] Zarqawist No. 2 Killed in Iraq... Sooner or later it's going to be Iraqi military forces that take credit for raids like this one. Abu Azzam, the operational commander for Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia, was killed in a high-rise building in Baghdad today. He was also a senior financier to Zarqawi. --Michael Weiss [link] Monday, September 26, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Donate 'Em to the Iraqi Military and Police Force... For 're-commissioning.' I'm serious. General John de Chastelain: "We are satisfied that the arms decommissioned represent the totality of the IRA's arsenal." The arms included a full range of ammunition, rifles, machine guns, mortars, missiles, handguns, explosives, explosive substances and other arms including all the categories described in the estimates provided by the UK and Irish security services, he said. Why should terrorist groups with new, becalmed public relations only run guns to the Zarqawists? If Sinn Fein were really savvy -- not to mention worthy of the great Hibernian love affair with irony -- they'd have offered Blair this materiel, free of charge. (And have had increased their chances for receiving material benefits). --Michael Weiss [link] Everbody Complains About the Weather, But Nobody Is Doing Anything About It -- Except the Mob... Behind the curve a little, but this just has to be repeated. To the rest of the country, Scott Stevens is the Idaho weatherman who blames the Japanese Mafia for Hurricane Katrina. To folks in Pocatello, he's the face of the weather at KPVI News Channel 6. Sounds like your typical local news station. This guy claims that Soviet storm-generating technology was used by the Yakuza to make a killing in futures markets and as revenge for Hiroshima. Stevens claims that there is "a chess game going on in the sky" and that "I was left trying to forecast the intent of some organization rather than the weather of this planet" when he discovered the existence of this Soviet weapon. And people say weathermen are unreliable -- yet here's one looking out for the little guy. Bill Fouch, KPVI's general manager, compared Stevens' musings to political or religious beliefs that journalists suppress on the job. "He doesn't talk about it on his weathercast," Fouch said. "He's very knowledgeable about weather, and he's very popular." I bet. At least as it's a crime syndicate doing the hurricaning and not Al Qaeda. "Psycopaths kill for no reason; I kill for money." --Nic Duquette [link] Drudge Linguistics... It looks like it might rain today, and you know what that means... It's time for stay-at-home word games! Here's one: 1. Look up "spoonerism" in the dictionary. 2. Scan a few random paragraphs of Finnegan's Wake (any chapter or page will do). 3. Vide this Drudge headline (screen capture courtesy of Wonkette):
![]() 4. Bonus applied learning joke! "What's the difference between Barbra Streisand and the statue of Eros in Piccadilly?" (The statue of Eros is a Cupid kind of stunt). Thanks for playing! --Michael Weiss [link] Spanish Al Qaeda Agents Jailed... If George Bush really wanted to add some rich tawny hues to the relative monochrome of the Supreme Court, he'd forget about Alberto Gonzales and remember Baltasar Garzn. This would entail a potentially sticky relocation and naturalization project, but I think Baltasar's worth it. (And I know of no restriction on foreign-born jurists donning the baddest of stateside black robes). More than any other counterterrorism magistrate, this brilliant and fearless Spaniard has been the matchmaker for European Al Qaeda operatives and the prison cells that love them. I figured he'd be involved in the cases of those Syrian-Iberian (Syberian?) plotters of 9/11. Sure enough, his name floats into this Guardian piece like a healing zephyr. No more inexpensive cracks about the Spanish and appeasement, please. If you switched onto coverage of recent farcical events in DC, you'll have noticed we have own feverish mob mentality to deal with first. Tayseer Alouni, a journalist for the Arabic news channel al-Jazeera, was sentenced to seven years in jail for collaborating with a terrorist group, but was acquitted of being a member of al-Qaida. Alouni interviewed Osama bin Laden shortly after the attacks. Prosecutors accused him of carrying money intended for al-Qaida members during visits to Afghanistan for his journalistic work. He denied the allegations. No, no. That money was for hos and bling in Tora Bora. Cause you know how the 'Zeera do when it come to its boys, yo. With Friends Like These, We Could Use More Friends... One of the unintended consequences of regime change in Iraq has been an infusion of discrimination in the process of selecting popular revolutionary allies in the Middle East. Everybody by now can write the 'dirty hands' script in his sleep: The United States maintains a catalogue of suicide pacts with a wretched dictatorship; the United States then about-faces only to embrace a less than salutary 'resistance' group, the seedling of future trouble if for no other reason than it embodies the narcissism of the small difference between itself and what it claims to be resisting. Are there no alternatives between two toxic poles? There definitely are, but first a new addition to the larger category of accidents waiting -- if not clamoring -- to happen: Meet Maryam Rajavi, proxy leader through marriage of the National Council of Resistance of Iran, one of the most well-organized dissident diaspora groups. They colloquially refer to themselves, a trifle unoriginally I think, as the Mujahedeen. Their mission statement reads more progressive than our own Bill of Rights, and they were spot-on before anybody else was about the Khomeneist science projects being conducted deep within Persian mountains and free from the purview of roving satellites or nosy UN weapons inspectors. But don't let the tranquil blues of Mrs. Rajavi's chador and eyes fool you. This cookie's not so much tough as just plain stale. HER smile takes on a steely glint when she discusses the mass divorces ordered by the group's leadership, which split the movement's families in 1989 and sent their children into foster care abroad. The policy has focused energy on the cause instead of personal relations, she said. "Our members can't have, because of the circumstances, the normal marital status in life that everyone else in the world can enjoy," Mrs. Rajavi said, arguing that the movement faces a "ferocious" enemy and followers cannot afford to be distracted. Tomorrow the rediscovery of romantic love, the tax credit, the 1.5 children, the white picket fence. But to-day the struggle? Not quite. A few years ago the Times ran another, more enlightening, story on the Rajavists. The reason it's still available for perusal is that it's been reprinted on the indispensible Rick Ross's cult-busting website. Though for years the Mujahedeen preached a Marxist-Islamic ideology, it has modernized with the times. Today, one of the standard lines of the Mujahedeen's National Council of Resistance to politicians in Europe and America is that it is advocating a secular, democratic government in Iran, and that when it overthrows the regime, it will set up a six-month interim government with Maryam as president and then hold free elections. But despite its rhetoric, the Mujahedeen operates like any other dictatorship. Mujahedeen members have no access to newspapers or radio or television, other than what is fed them. As the historian Abrahamian told me, "No one can criticize Rajavi." And everyone must go through routine self-criticism sessions. "It's all done on tape, so they have records of what you say. If there's sign of resistance, you're considered not revolutionary enough, and you need more ideological training. Either people break away or succumb." Break away or succumb. Where have I heard that before? I think it's the new ad slogan at my gym. For space reasons, I set myself the task of choosing whether to include the mandatory sessions of "self-criticism" (the mandatory bit making it just "criticism" to you and me), or the dozens of self-immolations (the "self" is applicable here) of enlistees too distraught over the arrest of their matriarch. What I left out can be read at Ross's site. But lest the high dudgeon over democracy set in prematurely -- relax. The Kurds have wincingly distanced themselves from the Stalinoid-terrorist PKK and Abdullah Ocalan for years. If this is nuthatcher contingent of the Reading Lolita in Tehran crowd and it's managed to wriggle out from under a crumbling mullahocracy, then imagine how many sane rebel movements there must be in country. --Michael Weiss [link] Friday, September 23, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Endeavouring to Give Satisfaction No More... AskJeeves.com regrets to announce that it no longer requires the services of a valet. Citing "user confusion" over what the butler character represents the search site has said that Jeeves will soon be phased out. That's the most depressing thing I've heard all day. Good thing the real one ascended to that great big Junior Ganymede (club for gentlemen's personal gentlemen) in the sky when his creator bought it. "User confusion." Yes, quite. That'd have had even a sangfroid Spinoza-scanner writhing like an electric fan all over again. --Michael Weiss [link] Oil... As Rita bears down on a huge swath of US refining capacity not destroyed by Katrina, it's worth keeping in mind how very bad the oil situation is getting. This is the price of a barrel of oil since 1990:
Scary, isn't it? This won't just affect what it costs to gas up the minivan, either. It means higher heating bills for the winter. It means higher shipping costs on the diesel trucks that move America's freight, and that means higher prices for food, for clothing, everything. If people get raises to keep up with the price surge, it will be an inflation spiral. If they don't, it means a recession. Either way, the price of oil is bad news for everybody. Help keep the economy on track and stanch the cash flow to international petrotyrants: as Rita comes ashore this weekend, stay home or ride a bike. Grill some burgers, watch some TV and play Monopoly. Your kids can go to soccer practice some other time. --Nic Duquette [link] Thursday, September 22, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" How to Keep Sullivan and Wonkette Busy for Hours... Show 'em a picture of the new hurricane. They're in their peejays, spinning dorsally round and round on the floor, I tell you.
![]() Isn't Florida the cause of enough pain and suffering? Y'ouch. --Michael Weiss [link] Unintentionally Funny Headline of the Day... The BBC: EU drops hardline stance on Iran Well, thank God cooler heads prevailed in Brussels for once, huh? Only in Europe can threatening to refer a country to a UN commission be considered a "hardline" position. --Nic Duquette [link] The Second Oldest Profession in the First Workers' State... Strange though it may be to consider, stranger still is the truth of the following assertion: the history of the KGB is 99.9% unwritten. More than a decade after the collapse of the Soviet Union -- and probably a whole 15 minutes since the last time "we" tried to spy on "them," or vice versa -- the apparat of eastern intelligence still remains shrouded in negative assumption and liminal apprehension. We know plenty about the CIA and MI6, what they did and how they did it. And we figure that the KGB sort of did the opposite; but the details have always been murky and to a degree more remarkable than what one would expect from a society ruled by the hulking Hobbsean precept of Freedom From Information. The intrigue-aesthetics of spycraft suffered on that side of the Wall, too. The pomaded urbanities of the plainclothes Reds never much ventured beyond a fish-mouthed, slab-cut automoton always half a step ahead or two steps behind 007, and the Moscow film commission never signaled that this impression was objectionable on socialist realist grounds. There's a lot of catching up to be done. Ralph Fiennes isn't currently starring in The Constant Kulak. But enough about the question marks. It's time for a few exclamation points: In the Centre, the Indo-Soviet special relationship was also celebrated as a triumph for the KGB. The residency in Delhi was rewarded by being upgraded to the status of ămain residencyä. Its head from 1970 to 1975, Yakov Prokofyevich Medyanik, was accorded the title of ămain residentä. In the early 1970s the KGB presence in India became one of the largest outside the Soviet bloc. Indira Gandhi placed no limit on the number of Soviet diplomats and trade officials, thus allowing the KGB and Soviet intelligence as many cover positions as they wished. Oleg Kalugin, who became head of Foreign Counter-Intelligence in 1973, remembers India as ăa model of KGB infiltration of a Third World governmentä. He recalls one occasion when the KGB turned down an offer from an Indian minister to provide information in return for $50,000 on the grounds that it was already well supplied with material from the Indian foreign and defence ministries: ăIt seemed like the entire country was for sale... During 1975 a total of 10.6 million roubles was spent on measures in India designed to strengthen support for Mrs Gandhi and undermine her political opponents... To ensure success, the KGB mounted a major operation involving more than 120 meetings with agents during the election campaign. Nine candidates at the elections were KGB agents. Files also identify by name 21 of the non-Communist politicians (four of them ministers) whose election campaigns were subsidised by the KGB. Beats water fluoridation. Or covering the advertising budget for Encounter. But don't thank me, or even the Times Online. Thank Vasili Nikitich Mitrokhin, a senior archivist at the First Chief Directorate of the KGB, who in 1992 took with him to a British embassy in one of the Baltic states the kind of top secret briefcase Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy used to transmit the crop reports in Trading Places. What he gave, freely and willingly, to the West is considered the most explosive tranche of counter-intelligence documents ever leaked. Cuba, Afghanistan, the extreme makeover of Brezhnev for the ex-Rajettes -- it's all in there, and now condensed into book form as The Mitrokhin Archive II: The KGB and the World, by Christopher Andrew and Vasili Mitrokhin. Time to warm up the samovar, Ralph. --Michael Weiss [link] Then I Caught A Glimpse of Rita, Standing By a Parking Meter... The evacuation of Houston as Category Five hurricane Rita approaches has demonstrated that Houston residents can flee a natural disaster in the same calm manner they commute every day: by choking off the city's highways in a nightmare of bumper-to-bumper, immobile gridlock and plumes of smog. Hundreds of thousands of people were frantically trying to escape the nation's fourth-largest city Thursday as Hurricane Rita approached the upper Texas coast. But interstates were at a standstill for up to 100 miles and gas shortages were already being reported. Just another day in East Texas, really. --Nic Duquette [link] Wednesday, September 21, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Robert Trivers: Bad is the New Good... The banality, when discussing the private lives and political beliefs of sociobiologists -- or ecological behaviorists, as they're now known -- is to say, "Actually, he's rather left-wing and caring himself." What effects the preemptive apology? The rooted idea of the field itself: human beings do what they do for selfish, gene-propagating reasons. This evidently requires chugging a few stops past "compassionate," and a whole township beyond "conservative," as compensation in one's private life. We might have done without knowing, from this otherwise enviable Guardian profile, where Dr. Trivers stands on the current administration, or about his curious-to-unsettling friendship with Huey Newton. (Look, the real dirt on Leonard Bernstein would have been a closeted jones for the Mamas and the Papas or Jefferson Airplane -- the radical chic tendency became dull the moment it began). However, the "color" material on Trivers that is worth reproducing -- probably much to the chagrin of Steven Pinker, who loves to keep the fight clean and above the waist -- reads like this: Trivers says of his old enemy Stephen Jay Gould's theory that the female orgasm was merely a by- product of the fact that the opposite sex has them, "It makes you wonder just how close Steve had ever been to that blessed event if he thought it was a side-effect ..." Now there's a feast of reason and a flow of the soul from a no-bullshit genius. This is what you'd expect from the man who introduced the delightful paradox 'altruistic selfishness' into the lexicon, and gave it a laboratory seal of approval. ('Enlightened selfishness' is the older, seedier metaphysical cousin; he's got the endowed chair at the Cato Institute). But give me this stuff any day over the Beautiful Good Will of Bobby Fischer's Proof. --Michael Weiss [link] Talabani in WSJ... Now, I really can't balk at the Journal's being pay-only on the web (it'd scare me more if it were free). But here's what a lifelong lefty thinks about quagmires and timetables: Without foreign intervention, the transition in Iraq would have been from Saddam's bloodstained hands to his psychopathic offspring. Instead, thanks to American leadership, Iraqis have been given an opportunity of peaceful, participatory politics. Contrary to the new conventional wisdom, Iraq and the history of 20th-century Europe demonstrate that force of arms can implant democracy in the most arid soil.
Creating these Iraqi forces has not been easy, but Iraqis have been undaunted by the difficulties. Every terrorist attack on Iraqi forces leads to a surge in military recruitment -- the opposite of the appeasers' myth that resisting terrorism causes more terrorism. For all the short-term problems, the soundness of the long-term strategy of building up Iraqi forces was demonstrated in recent days when Iraqis took over sole control of security in the holy city of Najaf.
There are also two practical, policy reasons to avoid such a scheduled reduction in foreign troop numbers. First, a timetable will aid the terrorists and tell them that all they have to do is wait. Second, military plans must be flexible. We should have the suppleness to respond to the often-changing level of terrorist threat. Indeed, we will require ongoing security assistance in many forms for many years to come.
Without American forces, the vision of American leadership and the quiet fortitude of the American people, Iraqis would be almost alone in the world. With its allies, the United States has provided Iraqis with an unprecedented opportunity. Iraqis have responded by enthusiastically embracing democracy and volunteering to fight for their country. By giving us the tools, your troops help us to defend Iraqi democracy and to finish the job of uprooting Baathist fascism.
Mr. Talabani is president of Iraq. With all the fine narrative skill in Hollywood, you'd think an eye-moistening, pilgrim's progress type story might someday make it to celluloid, starting with the improbablility of that last line. --Michael Weiss [link] The Latest Problems In Gambian Transit... The Peruvian government is furious over a jet full of soccer players, chartered by the president of Gambia, which made an "emergency landing" at the stadium where the team arrived just in time to beat Qatar 3-1. Meanwhile, Senegal is growing frustrated that the Gambia -- a 20 mile wide strip of land almost cleaving Senegal in two -- is providing expensive and bad ferry service between northern and southern Senegal, while the main road connecting the two halves of the country via Gambia remains closed. He's thinking of just digging a big tunnel under Gambia. Don't do it, Senegal. Don't do it. --Nic Duquette [link] A Crying "Shame"... One of the defenders of high culture Armavirumque, James Piereson (a new guy?) takes the New York Times to task for overusing the word "shameful" to describe sundry Republican political acts. In the process, he forgets the rich vocabulary that makes the English language so exciting: What adjectives are left to describe the actions of Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden once we have applied [the word "shameful"] to a temporary suspension of the Davis-Bacon Act? I'm not sure "shameful" would even have come to mind to describe those persons and their acts, at least not until I'd already considered "abhorrent," "despicable," "horrific," "contemptible," and "evil," among some others. "Shameful" is pretty good for, say, armed robbery, but it comes across as a little weak for mass murder. --Nic Duquette [link] Tuesday, September 20, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Orange Update... The international media attention has withdrawn, and with it, the magic. In Ukraine, upstart-turned-president Viktor Yushchenko has been embroiled in parliamentary sniping since firing his prime minister, Yulia Tymoshenko. As his parliament undermines him, it's worth wondering: why did Yushchenko fire Tymoshenko, a prominent politician who was one of his strongest and most helpful allies in the Orange Revolution? Is it really because he believes Tymoshenko has been compromised by allegations of corruption? Is it because of the plotting of another Yushchenko ally, millonaire Petro Poroshenko? Or is it really because Yushchenko, a man whose movie-star face was permanently disfigured in an assassination attempt, can't stand to be upstaged by a woman who may be Earth's hottest politician? --Nic Duquette [link] Monday, September 19, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" The Book That Keeps On Giving... Wherever you swing your pick-axe around Vladimir Nabokov, you can't help but crack into a deep and coruscant geode. The Joycean puns, the anagrams, the subtle allusions to old Joycean puns and anagrams. Forget temples of doom or lost arks; the real perspiring quest can be embarked on at home. Or at Columbia University this evening, where Azar Nafisi (author of Reading Lolita in Tehran), Stacey Schiff and Alfred Appel dissect the most convincing love story of the twentieth century.
![]() Columbia University, Miller Theater, 116th St. and Broadway, (212) 854-7799. 8 p.m. $15. What's Underneath that Brooklyn Town House, Chuck?... From the Roberts confirmation hearings, here's a pretty specific question from Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY: SCHUMER: OK. Let me ask you, then, this hypothetical: And that is that it came to our attention, Congress', through a relatively and inexpensive, simple process, individuals were now able to clone certain species of animals, maybe an arroyo toad. Didn't pass over state lines; you could somehow do it without doing any of that. Under the commerce clause, can Congress pass a law banning even noncommercial cloning? ROBERTS: I appreciate it's a hypothetical, and you will as well, so I don't mean to be giving bindings opinions. But it would seem to me that Congress can make a determination that this is an activity, if allowed to be pursued, that is going to have effects on interstate commerce. Obviously if you were successful in cloning an animal, that's not going to be simply a local phenomenon. That's going to be something people are going to... SCHUMER: We can leave it at that. That's a good answer, as far as I am concerned. "Say I've got this... friend... this friend with a lab that may or may not be legal..." Is Schumer afraid that people are going to be cloning the arroyo toad? Why the arroyo toad, which lives only in California? Why not some species of New York toad, or a pigeon or something? The answer can only be that Schumer is afraid that somebody will clone, specifically, the arroyo toad -- or that somebody else will. And we all know what cloned amphibian DNA is good for. --Nic Duquette [link] Same as the Old Boss... Bill Clinton, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos (!) last night, called for taxes to be raised to cover the widening deficit, especially our two wars and major disaster. This interview, and others, has Power Line outraged over the violation of the tradition that former presidents don't criticize sitting presidents. (I always thought it was the other way around. Or is it both?) Anyway, it's interesting that Clinton said this. He may be the only man in America who could call for something as responsible and unpopular as a tax hike right now, and be heard, since he's (a) not running for office anymore, and insulated from unpopularity, yet (b) it's an open secret that he is running for office, vicariously, in 2008. For eight years this man was politically unkillable. Now, he's like a political zombie: he cannot be hurt, but he's still walking and talking and still dangerous to his enemies. What if Hillary Clinton does become the next president? Then George W. Bush will feel free -- in an interview on Fox News conducted by Karl Rove -- to criticize her performance in public, and Bill Clinton will be obligated to come to her defense. George H.W. Bush -- if he's still alive -- will then defend his son, but mildly, because he's also made peace with Bill Clinton. After that? Jeb Bush will become president, Bill Clinton will seduce the chubbier Bush twin, and somebody can finally shoot Teddy Kennedy just before he leaves office. No way they're going to raise taxes, though. --Nic Duquette [link] Why I Like TimesSelect... I think it was back in the eighties that Noam Chomsky was informed by his oral hygienist that he was a teeth-grinder. This came as something of a shock, as Chomsky swore that he neither willingly nor semiconsciously condoned face-sponsored denticide, let alone engaged in the practice himself. Even his wife, after agreeing to inspect his sleep patterns, was able to attest that at no point during the night did Noam do anything that might erode his enamel. Still, the hygienist clung to the diagnosis. Then it occurred to the theorist of generative grammar that he might not be aware of his own degenerative habit because of a preoccupied emotional state during its execution. He was grinding his teeth while reading the New York Times. I have my differences with Professor Chomsky, but I can't say that lack of sympathy for this plight is one of them. I suppose we can both rejoice now that the Times has affixed a sort of surgeon general's warning, or better say sin tax, on its own offensiveness. This is good, this is progress in the best nanny-state definition of the term. Not that I'm not laissez-faire about most things that ail you. I recently got into a good-natured but ridiculous debate with a friend of mine who (seriously) suggested that the government levy an el gordo surcharge on twinkies because people like him have no self-control. On a therapeutic level, this would be like telling a narcissist that she is beautiful and expecting the sidelong glances into the mirror or lake surface to stop. Added to which, the cessation of harmful behavior should be arduous and painful and as unassisted as possible if one hopes to make that cessation permanent. Whereas high levels of exposure to a thing characteristically lead to inurement to it, in the case of addiction -- be it to partially hydrogenated oils, nicotine, heroin, or ethanol -- high levels of exposure lead either to self-destruction or to an unbearable sensitivity to the repulsiveness of that thing. The latter outcome is desired since it's the conditio sine qua non before the cold turkey or the twelve-steps can begin. (Even an "intervention" only formalizes an already arrived-at interior decision of the addict). But some kicks take the masochism to a livable, and therefore worse, plane of constancy. A penalty on reading Maureen Dowd and Frank Rich every week. Now why didn't Mike Bloomberg think of that? --Michael Weiss [link] The Cunning of History... So: a dclass Social Democratic government in Germany struggles for continued relevance after an upstart, semi-anonymous conservative cashes in on a decade of unemployment and economic stagnation. A Stalinist slave state mutes the rhetoric which made it seem like the lone redoubt of militarized "worker's" revolutionism in the world, offering instead, and out of necessity, the chance for "peaceful coexistence" with its capitalist neighbors. And the month is September. And it's only Monday. --Michael Weiss [link] Friday, September 16, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" When Bad Jokes Prefigure Worse Realities... I had no idea when I woke up this morning and titled my post on the great Iranian nuke dodge, "Next Up: Consensual Rape," that I'd be proven right at all, let alone within the same 24-hour news cycle... Well, I suppose this story technically broke on Tuesday, but I swear I've only just read about it this evening. Here's Pervez Musharraf staying popular with the ladies: "You must understand the environment in Pakistan. This has become a money-making concern," he said. "A lot of people say if you want to go abroad and get a visa for Canada or citizenship and be a millionaire, get yourself raped." So that's why the Pakistani version of The Accused hit the marquee as Hey, You Never Know. --Michael Weiss [link] More in Boredom than Anger... This was P.J. O'Rourke, circa 1987, generally in his Republican Party Reptile days and specifically in "An Alphabet for Schoolboys." I don't have to check the record for the accuracy of this strophe; it was committed to memory in high school:
Z is for Zany, eternal class clown, This is P.J. now: The sum and substance of politics was expressed in the 1860s by Nicholas Chernyshevskii, a prescient Russian radical: "Man is god to man." And politics violates the other nine commandments as well. Politics could hardly function without bearing false witness. Likewise, without taking the Lord's name in vain. This is especially true given that, in politics, the Lord who is so loosely sworn by is Mankind. In the modern era politics has taken the place of mere tyranny. The result has been more killing in one century than in all the preceding centuries combined. Covetousness and stealing define redistributive politics. Without redistribution politics would have no political support. Graven image is as good a name as any for the fiat money by which politics operates. Politics' insistence upon involvement in every human activity, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is more anti-Sabbatarian than golf. The Social Security system is no way to honor thy father and thy mother. And as for adultery, there was, and there may be still, Bill Clinton. To claim that one's political activities are the will of God is to worship Beelzebub, as Osama bin Laden has demonstrated. To loudly call for separation of church and state is to miss the point. Why is there never a call for separation of state and coven? This is a fine object lesson in what is not to be done, as it were, in humor writing. Sententious phrasemaking, offered up by a monument of inflated prestige (Nabokov once had delicious fun with Chernyshevsky in The Gift), turned literal, liturgical and into a series of inductive yuks. The Ten Commandments. Yes, well, I suppose the Peej was always more "Old Testament" in his conservatism than he was "neo" Good Book or even, as is often said of him, secular humanist and libertarian. But as with Waugh, as with Chesterton, and as with everybody who deploys the thundering earnestness of the confessional argument to sound, of all things, funny, the face has grown to fit the mask. The results aren't so pleasant to behold. That "coven" line might have come from Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, either of them being just as hilariously "on." Indeed, I think a power higher than the liquor cabinet must have been found in the O'Rourke household. I can already hear the background thigh-slappers attending the transformation of an acidulated gadfly into an empurpled WASP: "Oh, there you are, Lord! What the heck were you doing under the sofa?" (And this from the man who once wrote that the "reborn Jesus creeps" should have done to them what the "conservative Romans did, with lions.") Perhaps with more kids and lower interest rates comes greater responsibility. Whatever the case, the coke-snorting, bra latch-fumbling Mesozoic Reaganite is severely past. I'd quite like to see him back again, defrocked and debauched, which have always been his two best states. --Michael Weiss [link] Thursday, September 15, 2005, - snarktip@snarksmith.com AIM: "snarksmithy" Up Next: "Consensual Rape"... I once passed by a car that had just been broken into. The sign on the unshattered window was a futile attempt to ward off potential hazard, as most signs on most in-tact windows attached to expensive objects are wont to be. It read, "No Radio." This impressed me much less than the note on the driver's seat, obviously left by the thief. It read, "Just checking." Iran's "diplomacy," which refurnishes futility and hazard with even more depressing definitions, has been one long declaration of "No Nukes." Everyone with two IQ points to rub together, on two major continents, is still, for some reason, inclined to check. But the farcical element in what is quite clearly a race against time between bad liars and bad disciplinarians is never far from the table at which any real negotiating has yet to commence. Just look at this sentence in this BBC report: Earlier Mr Ahmadinejad said Iran was ready to share peaceful nuclear secrets with other Islamic states. Peaceful nuclear secrets. I can't tell if those are three oxys in search of a moron, or a sign of just how low the language has to sink before the bombs begin detonating. At least during the cold war the source for parody was euphemism, which tried to assuage and comfort ("acceptable risk," nuclear "exchange"), or synedoche, which tried to chill and terrify ("holocaust," "apocalypse"). Now the parody has become the source. There really is no fighting in the war room now. --Michael Weiss [link] The Afternoon After... Because you know it wasn't going to be in the AM that I awoke today... Don't want to spoil all the fun since I'm slated to write about the debate for a different forum -- which is admittedly like borrowing someone else's child to tell it how much you love it in front of your own -- but suffice it so say: no one spat in my face. Even the lobotomized hebephrenes who've been losing their own debate with reality for many years were polite (out of doors, anyway); the leaflets went quickly and in vast quantity; and I learned that wearing a jacket for agitprop street theatre is only good for covering up the saddlebag sweat stains that form underneath. Oh, and Nick Denton is a very nice man with a very |